Happy December! This month, I’m equipping the cast of P & P with cell phones. (Yes, even you, Lady Catherine.) What would the characters say if they could text each other? Here are a few of my ideas. Enjoy!
MamaB: Lizzy, I wanted to make sure you didn’t feel bad that that terrible Darcy didn’t want to dance with you.
MamaB: It was all so public. And everyone saw!
MamaB: Your aunt Phillips told me it was posted and reposted.
MamaB: People these days! The things they think are entertaining!
MamaB: Every time I reposted it, I was sure to say how horrible that Darcy is. At least show some decency!
MamaB: Oh, your aunt Phillips just sent a video! Who videoed it?
MamaB: Oh my. Oh my Lizzy. He’s so handsome. And you’re just standing there like a wallflower.
MamaB: You’ll be happy to know I said how horrible he was when I posted that one!
MamaB: Anyhoo! Just wanted to cheer you up!
***
Wickham: Hey babe.
Elizabeth: Hey George.
Wickham: I saw you with that Darcy guy the other day. Do you know him?
Elizabeth: Not really. We’re friends with the same people.
Wickham: I actually have this big back story with him. It’s kind of personal. I’m not sure if I should share.
Elizabeth: I get it. You don’t have to spill anything to me.
Wickham: No, *I* get it. You’re dying to hear it now that I mentioned it. And what woman doesn’t want to hear about my dark and mysterious past?
Elizabeth: I’m actually on my way to the gym. Not sure I have time for a long story right now.
Wickham: OK, you win. I can never resist a woman when she begs.
Elizabeth: Oh. Maybe later? I really do have to hit the gym.
Wickham: So it started when our fathers were friends.
***
Charles: I met someone. You’re going to love her.
Caroline: Is it Jane Bennet? I hate her.
Charles: LOL, how could you? She’s BEAUTIFUL. Her eyes are as blue as a Smurf’s elbow. Her skin is as soft as footie pajamas. Her voice is as inviting as…an invitation.
Caroline: Stop. Not the similes. I HATE it when you meet someone.
Darcy, I know you’re on my side here.
Darcy: Absolutely.
Charles: Darcy’s into Elizabeth.
Darcy: Don’t be ridiculous.
Charles: She asked about you.
Darcy: She did? When? Why didn’t you tell me this before? What’d she say? And what’d you say?
Charlie: I said you think her eyes are as brown as a newborn baby’s poop.
Darcy: LOL
Right?
Charlie, it’s LOL, RIGHT?
Caroline: Oh, it’s definitely LOL.
***
Lady C: I have decided you should marry.
Collins: Oh! I’m watching Bridgerton right now. Maybe after this episode?
Lady C: Now, Collins.
Tell me how you’ll find her. I suspect you’ll need a very good strategy.
Collins: Well, there’s this one family I know. I’m supposed to inherit all their stuff when their father dies, so maybe one of his daughters?
Lady C: Yes, they sound sufficiently desperate.
Collins: Right? I was thinking I could say, Hey! Sorry your dad kicked the bucket and that you’re homeless, but it’s kinda your lucky day because now you get…(drum roll)…ME!
Lady C: It pains me that I have to say this, but don’t do the drum roll.
Collins: Wasn’t planning on it!
“Rat a tat a tat” will sound much better.
***
Charlie: OK, just trying to get this straight. You told her that all her family and friends are beneath you.
And that she’s beneath you.
And that she should feel super grateful that you actually found some poor castoff like her attractive.
Darcy: No! I mean, yeah.
Charlie: And then you proposed.
Darcy: No. The timeline was sorta different.
Charlie: You said all that AFTER?
Darcy: Still no. More like…
That *was* the proposal.
Charlie: WHAT?
Why did you think she’d say yes to that?
Darcy: Well. I have a lot of money.
Charlie: And you really thought that would cinch things?
Darcy: I mean, it’s A LOT of money, Charlie.
***
Thanks for reading! I love hearing your comments.
Or check out some other texting posts: P & P, P & P again, then P & P AGAIN (love that book), Emma, Emma again, and Persuasion.
Wishing you a holiday full of LOL!
Leave a Reply