The modern dating world is a maze of swiping and messaging, of looking eager but not too eager, of arranging private meetups that aren’t too private—just in case. It’s a lot to navigate—but contrast that with the very public, rule-driven world of courtship in Regency England. How did anyone find love when they could never have a conversation alone? Not to fear. Below is your list of tips for piecing your way through the courtship puzzle in Regency England. (You’re on your own in our modern world.)
Tip #1: Marrying your cousin actually makes a lot of sense.
It feels cringy to us—isn’t that how you spread genetic diseases? But marriages between first cousins were common for a reason. In an age when people married after just a few conversations and then were locked into that marriage for life, it was a relief to instead marry someone you’d known a long time—possibly your whole life. This person’s upbringing and social status were all similar to yours—and (bonus!) the property stayed in the family because you’re staying in the family.
Tip #2: Let the man drone on and on. And smile while you do it!
The courtship was a series of chaperoned conversations—because the woman could never be alone with a man. (Marianne went scandalous on this one.) The courting couple also could not touch—not even a handshake—with the only acceptable gestures being the man helping the woman into her shawl or assisting her into her carriage. (Sometimes the courting couple did abscond for a kiss, and the smiling family looked the other way, but that was after the ring was on her finger.)
Because of this, conversation was key, and lots of conduct manuals of the time gave women advice, with plenty of don’ts: Don’t gossip or speak ill of others, or he’ll think you’re petty and mean-spirited. Don’t talk about religion—too controversial, and we’re keeping things light, polite. Don’t use his Christian name. It’s “sir” or “my lord” at first, then “Mr. Surname” when things have progressed to something more serious.
Most important, don’t talk too much! A woman should listen more than she speaks and grant the man her full attention. She should also be good humored, laughing and smiling easily.
Is this feeling uncomfortably sexist? Definitely, but I wonder how many women used this advice strategically. The woman needed the man for his income, so maybe it worked well to keep her mouth shut until that ring was on her finger. Maybe that’s what Mrs. Bennet did. Good for her.
Tip #3: A woman should look interested, but not too interested.
If a woman danced with the same man twice at one ball, she was labeled fast. (Jane Bennet and that Bingley—for shame!) If she danced with him all night, the public considered them engaged. Outside the ballroom, if the woman was seen spending too much time with a man, she was again thought of as engaged.
What’s the danger of that? If the man dropped her—which he could do freely, since they weren’t actually engaged—everyone would think it was her fault, concluding that there must be something wrong with her that drove him off.
Charlotte made it seem so simple, advising a woman to show more interest than she feels. But Jane’s decision to act more reserved made sense, given the stakes. These days, if a woman’s dating partner drops her, instead of being disgraced, she can go ahead and blast him on all of her social media accounts, so it’s nice that society’s evolved so much in this dimension.
Tip #4: Be prepared to share everything, even your love letters.
Exchanging letters meant things were getting serious. To start the letter writing, the man must first request a correspondence, and the woman must agree. (This feels like a good idea and could eliminate unsolicited male, um, pics that are sent these days.)
The letters were often perfumed, and receiving one was a big deal—it touched his hand and now it’s touching yours! Men’s letters were often effusive, waxing on about their love, sometimes including poetry. Women’s letters were more reserved. After all, the woman must retain the power of refusal, the only power she has.
Then, after you received a letter, it was passed around to all of your friends and family so they could get a look at it. They’ve all been part of the courtship anyway, going on all of your dates with you, so why not this too? This is similar to how parents today insist on reading all of their teenagers’ texts. Now you can explain to your kid that this is totally normal! Parents have been doing it for years, and of course we’ll stop when you’re married, dear.
Tip #5: Get ready for some racy gifts.
Men usually gave the gifts—a book with passages of love underlined or specially mixed perfume. Women might give embroidery, perhaps with locks of both of their hair woven together. You read that right—dead skin cells from their two bodies combined. This is racy stuff.
It gets steamier. The men sometimes stepped it up to giving garters with erotic messages like Unis a Jamais (forever united) or Je Meurs Ou Je M’Attache (I die where I attach myself). I’m guessing those weren’t passed around to family and friends.
Tip #6: Beware the wedding night.
We glamorize the wedding night in Regency romance novels, but the reality was far darker. The Regency woman had never been alone with a man, and her main lessons on sex were that it’s taboo and only for loose women and prostitutes. This made sense because an unwed pregnancy would ruin her.
Meanwhile, the Regency man acquired his sexual experience primarily through interactions with prostitutes. In the late 1700’s, it’s estimated that there were about 10,000 prostitutes on the streets of London. Even if each prostitute only had one customer a day, the numbers here are staggering.
Back to the Regency woman, who had maybe, at most, kissed a man and mostly likely did not even know how babies are made. Now, suddenly, on her wedding night, she was expected to do all the things she was previously told were sinful—and she didn’t get to ease her way in. She had to do everything right away on this one night, and she had to do it with a man who’s only sexual experience came from interactions with prostitutes. It’s not a leap to see that the wedding night was both terrifying and psychologically damaging. As one Victorian woman advised her daughter, there are “certain things your husband will require from you. It’s not nice and you’ll just have to put up with it.” This is not the romantic ending we’ve read.
Tip #7: Marriage is, at its core, a business transaction.
Marriage was a bringing together of property, dowries, social connections, and skills, with the hope of building on those assets and producing heirs. Divorce was not an option, so couples had one shot to get it right. Hence, all the rules. Parents didn’t want their hormone-driven children to be swayed by charm and a pretty face when estates and pocketbooks were the crucial part of the connection.
So many rules! I get it now why people married their cousins. Oh, unless your cousin was Mr. Collins.
Thanks for reading! What do you think of the Regency model of involving friends and family in the courtship? Are there pros to that, or are we happy to have our modern space? I’d love to hear your comments below.
Here are some sites I used if you’re interested in reading further:
The Real Rules of Courtship: Dating in the Regency Era
Love and Courtship in Regency England
Wedding Night Terror: the uneducated virgin and Victorian England
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