The Netherfield Cats

I don’t know about you, but I’m looking for a bit of escapism, a good-news day.

So, I got to thinking, what did the Netherfield cats think? Read on to find out! 

Afterwards, you can read a post that I shared recently about our two sausage dogs on social media. (Why? Because our twin dachshunds inspired the post about the cats, is why!)

NETHERFIELD CAT 1: I don’t care what you say, he’s batty about her.

NETHERFIELD CAT 2 (DOUBTFUL): You mean the new master? Nah. He’s always batty about some girl or other!

NETHERFIELD CAT 1: Not the way he is about Miss Bennet. And, you gotta admit, she is kind of cute.

NETHERFIELD CAT 2: Well hey, maybe. It’s way better now the Bingleys are here, anyways. I mean, there’s generally something going on. 

NETHERFIELD CAT 1: I get you. Leftovers.

NETHERFIELD CAT 1 (DEFENSIVELY):  Leftovers, cuddles, visitors, whatever.

NETHERFIELD CAT 1 (ACUTELY):  You mean leftovers.

NETHERFIELD CAT 2: Partly leftovers. Partly not. I liked it when the Bennet girls lived here.

NETHERFIELD CAT 1 (LOFTILY): They never lived here. They got stuck here, didn’t they, when Miss Bennet was poorly.

NETHERFIELD CAT 2 (INTERESTED) That a fact?

NETHERFIELD CAT 1: Fact. And for just a few days, at that. During which time Miss Bingley was always in a bad mood. You forgot that part, didn’t you? 

NETHERFIELD CAT 2 (BEWILDERED): But why?

NETHERFIELD CAT 1: Why the bad mood, you mean? Well hey, she couldn’t get more than a word of sense out of her brother – on account of Miss Bennet’s being so cute – NOR more’n a word at all out of Mr what’s it – Darcy – on account of Miss Bennet’s sister, the clever one.

NETHERFIELD CAT 2 (WITH ANIMATION): Yeah, yeah, I remember! I remember! And then, Miss Bingley came down to the kitchen and kicked –

NETHERFIELD CAT 1 (ICILY): We won’t go into that, if you please.

NETHERFIELD CAT 2 (HASTILY) No, no, not at all. 

NETHERFIELD CAT 1: Good. Cool. Otherwise you’d be even stupider than you seem, haha. (THAWING A BIT.) Anyway, I doubt there’s any chance of extra nibbles tonight. They’re finishing up the leftovers, before you ask.

NETHERFIELD CAT 2 (MOODILY): Bummer.

(THEY SIT AND STARE INTO THE DISTANCE, THE WAY CATS DO.)

Our two dachsies

A dialogue, this a.m.

by Alice McVeigh. (All rights reserved, including Scandinavian)

BERNARD: Whoa, see that?

SIR HUMPHREY: Nah. What was it?

BERNARD: That, sunshine, was a mouse.

SIR HUMPHREY (TICKLED): A mouse? Well, I’ll be. A real live mouse, was it? With a tiny tail and weeny ears? Was it cute?

BERNARD: You just don’t get it, do you?

SIR HUMPHREY: Nah. Didn’t see it, even. You saw it, you can have it.

BERNARD: Bro, we’re supposed to chase it.

SIR HUMPHREY: (INTERESTED AT LAST): Why? Do they taste like chicken?

BERNARD: I rather doubt it.

SIR HUMPHREY: Unless they taste like chicken, I’m just not that fussed. 

BERNARD: Sorry, mate, but we’re still supposed to do something.

(SIR HUMPHREY YAWNS, STRETCHES, and THEN RUNS AROUND THE CONSERVATORY, BARKING CONTENTEDLY.)

SIR HUMPHREY: Kay, so, I did something. Kip time! Naparoonies! Back to slumberland! 

BERNARD: Hate to break it to you, bro, but that mouse is now inside the piano, holding its mousy sides, it’s laughing so hard.

SIR HUMPHREY (AUSTERELY): We can’t have that. I’ll show that mouse what a top dog looks like! (SIR HUMPHREY CHECKS OUT THE PIANO AND RETURNS, WELL-IMPRESSED.) Bern! You gotta check this out. It’s got the cutest little nest in there, with little twigs and moss and grass and everything. Dead cosy. Hey, look, I’ve got an idea!

BERNARD: (INTERESTED) Really? Wowsers. What is it?

SIR HUMPHREY: Listen, why don’t we build a nest? Plenty of moss in the back garden, under the silver birch! It’d be even cosier than our beds, and smell just as good as fox poop!

(THUDDING SOUND OF BERNARD BANGING HIS HEAD AGAINST THE RADIATOR.)

(Alice’s most recent fiction, PRIDE AND PERJURY, a finalist for the UK Selfies Book Award, won the only silver medal awarded by the prestigious, multiple-genre, SPR book awards earlier this month. 

Read all about it here: https://www.selfpublishingreview.com/spr-book-awards/spr-awards-entrants-page/.  

Alice’s monthly newsletter can be signed up for here: https://www.alicemcveigh.com/newsletter/.)