For this post, I decided to try writing a few text conversations for Persuasion. Enjoy!
Harville: So Anne’s in town. You used to have the hots for her. Going to make another play for her?
Wentworth: No. Because I remember her ripping my still beating heart from my chest, throwing it in the air, and whacking it with a baseball bat so hard that it burst into a million bits of goo.
Harville: Huh. See, I remember you proposing when she was a teenager and her family saying, “Stay away from that sketchy cradle robber!”
But I’m sure you’re right with the whole baseball bat thing!
***
Mary: It is SO unfair that Charles gets to go out and party while I’m stuck here nursing a sick kid.
Anne: Don’t you want to be with your son?
Mary: I mean, he’s just lying in the bed like a lazy lump.
Anne: That’s because he broke his collarbone?
Mary: All I’m saying is that I would NEVER do what Charles did—run off and party while my child is bedridden.
But SOMEONE has to be the responsible parent.
SOMEONE has to be full of compassion and patience and self-sacrifice.
And OF COURSE that SOMEONE is always me.
I don’t know how Charles can feel comfortable leaving. I would NEVER do that.
Anne: Mary, do you want to go to the party? I’ll stay with your son.
Mary: Oh, if you insist!
I was texting you from the car. Pulling out now. Thanks Anne!
***
Louisa: Wentworth is SO hot. I’ve been plotting a way to get him to notice me.
So my plan is to take a walk with him by the sea. Then I’m going to climb up on that big wall and throw myself off it…into his arms!
Henrietta: OK, or…
You could get his cell number, maybe text him, get to know him a bit. Ask him to dinner instead?
Louisa: LOL!
Henrietta: No LOL. That’s what normal people do.
Louisa: Normal people are boring.
But THIS…This is romantic!
Men LOVE to save a damsel in distress!
After he saves me, he’ll be sure to propose, and then we’ll be MARRIED.
Henrietta: But you could also be dead.
That new rom com’s out. Can’t you catch that together instead?
Louisa, are you listening to me? DO NOT JUMP OFF THAT SEA WALL.
Louisa: Totally listening, LOL!
I made an appointment at the bridal shop Sat at 2. Come with???
Dead, LOL!
***
Harville: What’d you think of Anne?
Wentworth: She looked old.
Harville: I get it.
You only wanted her when she was barely legal.
Wentworth: I didn’t say that!
Harville: Elliot thought she was looking pretty hot. He’s going to ask her out.
Wentworth: He’s not. He can’t.
I mean, good for him. She’ll probably play tennis with his heart, whacking it back and forth, back and forth.
Harville: Didn’t realize Anne was so athletic. And innovative! Lots of heart whacking sports!
So I’ll tell Elliot to go ahead, then, since you’re not interested.
Wentworth: Yes, tell him. Anne and I are totally done.
I mean, it’s not like she likes me like that anymore.
Does she?
Don’t answer that. IDC. Because she’s a HEART BREAKER.
Hard to believe she was really only 19 when I proposed. Wow. That’s young.
Who gets married at 19?
But if she’d LOVED me, she would have said yes. And she DIDN’T.
So I’m officially DONE with Anne. I’ve BEEN officially done with her. For YEARS.
Harville: Getting worried this rant is going to take a while. Can we cut to the chase? Anne’s at the theater tonight.
Wentworth: I’ll be there.
***
Anne: My friend Louisa’s in the hospital.
Mrs. Smith: Oh no! What happened?
Anne: She jumped off that wall by the sea.
Mrs. Smith: Why would she do that?
Anne: She wanted to get married.
Mrs. Smith: Oh. Did it work?
Anne: You know, in a weird way, it did.
***
If you thought these were fun, I hope you’ll check out my latest: P & P & LOL: A Novella Retelling of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice…Through Texts!
Thanks for reading! I’d love to hear your thoughts below.
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